Tag: life

You Should…

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You should…

You should be excited

You should want this

You should have responded how I expected you to

You should act like anyone else would in this situation

You shouldn’t have said that

You shouldn’t have done that

You shouldn’t be authentic to who you are.

It took me a while to realize the impact should-ing was having on me.  It took me time to process the words I was hearing, the feelings I was having, the reactions I was receiving.

It took me a while to grasp what was actually happening on the inside for me.

“Someone else would have never responded that way…”

“Someone else would have been happy…”

“Someone else….”

It’s a strange feeling that comes up when you’re told what kind of person you should be and how “someone else” would be.  It’s intrinsically confusing.  It’s heartbreaking.  It’s cruel.  And what came up for me, was shame.

Shame showed its ugly face when I started to hear who I should be, instead of being accepted as I am.

I started to shame myself for not responding how I should have.  For not responding how a normal person would respond.  For not feeling how I was supposed to feel.  I felt shame because the person I authentically showed up as was different than what was expected of me, wasn’t good enough, and therefore, the person I was, was wrong.

So the internal debate began. Do I stand true to myself and honor my feelings, needs, wants?  Do I conform to make others happy?  Do I put on a front to avoid an awkward situation?  Or the really shaming feelings of… are they right? Am I wrong for feeling this way?  Am I a bad/wrong/evil person because that’s what came up for me?  And the spiral of internalize the shame begins, and, it’s devastating.

Under no circumstances does this behavior exemplify love.

Friends, there’s nothing more joyful than being accepted for who you are. Don’t get me wrong, I am 100% in support of personal growth and surrounding yourself with people who want to encourage you to be the best you can be.  But the key word here is encourage. I recently heard the saying “people who really care about you don’t let you keep f*cking up” and I LOVE this.  And considering I know the source of this saying – I know the intention of this saying is about encouraging accountability, not inflicting shame.

So, a note to the shoulders: Stop it.  Stop telling people who they should be, how they should respond, how they should feel.   But instead, lovingly stand beside them and try to understand them.  Ask questions.  Be curious.  Show your invested interest in them.  Approach with love, empathy, curiosity and love, always love.  Did I mention show up with love?  I can almost guarantee you’ll be met with an attitude of gratefulness, openness, vulnerability, trust, honesty, humility….

And to my friends who have experiences the should-ing: Be you.  Be authentically you.  Honor what comes up for you.  Honor your feelings.  Be curious about yourself.  Ask yourself questions.  There is absolutely no room for shame in love – and that includes the love you have for yourself!  You are beautiful.  You are great.  You are wonderful.  God created YOU just as you are, and you are perfect. 

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Desert Blooms

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Friends, I had the opportunity to head down to Borrego Springs a few weeks ago to check out the “Wildflower Superbloom.”  Words simply cannot describe this glorious scenery, and the smells… oh the smells.  Standing in the valley floaor at sunset, completely surrounded by a seemingly infinite supply of wildflowers, is a feeling I will never forget. IMG_8471We went to this valley the first evening and it was insane!  Driving by it’s a beautifully vast landscape, but getting out of the car and among the flowers was a different world.

The smell of these flowers was like honey and heaven
The smell of these flowers was like honey and heaven

The next day we headed to Anza-Borrego State Park – with the swarms of other folks.  I happened to be staying with some locals and we went the opposite way of the crowds and had these hills to ourselves (thank God!)

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Choose your path wisely 🙂

The purples mixed with yellows was just so lovely!

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Flowers or butterflies?

And of course the cacti…

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Mr. Bee getting busy.  If you can, zoom in!  

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How many types of flowers do you see…

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Look at the multi-color stems!  Looks like they belong underwater

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This fence!

What an incredible experience!  We were told the blooms hadn’t been this glorious in 38 years.  Blessed to have seen it.

God is good friends.  God is good.

A Fall Day in Wine Country

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Being a Californian, I’ve always heard “you haven’t seen a real fall”, and while I know it’s true, I do savor the glimpses I do get.  I am very blessed to live a hop, skip and a jump away from wine country, so I try to make it up as much as possible, especially when I know the leaves will be radiant with color.

For my latest trip I got spoiled.  Normally I do a decent amount of research into where I want to go to breakfast, wineries with the prettiest grounds, yada yada.  But for this trip my friend had everything planned out!  What a treat 🙂

Here’s what we did:

Stop 1, Breakfast at the Sunflower Café in Sonoma Square 


This place is just heavenly!  You order your food at the counter and find a seat.  It started pouring rain when we arrived, but we snatched an amazing covered table on the back patio where we were toasted by the heaters and serenaded by the sound of rain.  I’ve never dined outside while it was raining, and this experience alone was therapeutic.  All their food is sustainably sourced from local businesses – and is quite delicious!  We arrived around 10:30 on Saturday morning and had no trouble finding a spot.  After your meal, make sure to swing by the shop next door – Global Heart – where you can find fair trade goodies for all ages!  If you have extra time, stroll around the square, there are tons of cute spots to see.

Stop 2, Domaine Carneros, Napa 

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Driving up to this winery makes you feel like you’re approaching an English Country Château- it’s enchantingly elegant.  Stroll up the beautiful staircase and take in the colorful vineyards and roses on either side.  If it’s a nice day out, the patio will be loaded with champagne connoisseurs enjoying the view.  If it’s a rainy day, like ours was, get a reservation so they save you a seat in their lovely dining room.  You will spend a bit more on tastings here (starting at $30), but it’s worth every penny (*they offer a military discount for my fellow service members).  We sat here for literally hours, sipping our champagne and taking it all in.

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Stop 3, Oxbow Public Market, Napa


This place is ah-mazing.  The market is loaded with unique restaurants, goodies, gifts, you name it!  If we hadn’t still been stuffed on breakfast, we would have indulged in one of the tempting restaurants.  Since we were stuffed, we sauntered around the little “shops”, tasting olive oils and chocolate sauces, getting googly-eyed over cupcakes and assortments of cheeses and meats, smelled the extensive collection of every spice you could think of, and sniffed more flavors of bitters one knew existed.  We grabbed a couple of rainy day weather brews from Fieldwork Brewery and sat out on the patio and took it all in. We ended our day walking along the river, watching the locals fish.

While only hitting 3 spots doesn’t sound like much, we took our time at each spot, and before we knew it, it was evening.  This truly was a beautiful, delicious, and leisurely day.  Now, go, explore, indulge, have fun!  Surround yourself with good company, have good conversations, and enjoy the beauty that surrounds you.

God id good friends.  God is good.

Year 29

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This is how I spent my 29th birthday.  On the couch with some Ben & Jerry’s in the most comfortable onesie ever

Only moments ago I was sliding on a piece of cardboard down the grassy hill near my house, fishing for crawdads in the creek, playing in the street until the sun went down…

Time flies,  faster with every passing year.  I find myself wishing for this day to end or saying I can’t wait for the weekend, but this year, my wish is different.  I wish for time to slow down…way down.  This year, I’m going to be more present, in every moment… even in the 4th mind-numbingly boring meeting of the day moments.  Friends, there are literally times when I am talking to someone and I hear absolutely nothing…nothing.  It’s almost impressive, but mostly sad.

While it’s easy to say “I’m going to be more present” I understand this must be an intentional effort.  Here are some things I plan to do:

    • Start each morning in prayer: “Lord, please guide my head and heart and help me be more present”
    • set a realistic schedule for my day (even scheduling in time for breaks!)
    • only use social media once a day (do this by deleting the apps off my phone!)
    • avoid the “what if” or “coulda shoulda woulda” thinking
    • engage my senses more
    • cuddle my dog for at least 20 uninterrupted minutes a day
    • have a regular sleep and exercise schedule
    • smile more, even to myself

And the most important of all:
Have peace that God is in control and I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

While 26 is still the best year yet, 28 wasn’t so bad (less the last 5 days of it).  I enjoyed vacations in Bend, OR., Kauai, HI., Tahoe, Yosemite, Disneyland, Cambria, remolded my bathrooms, got a promotion, bought myself a brand new Subaru Forester (name pending, I’m thinking about Sheila), helped big-hearted folks create Bay Area Animal Rescue Crew and made a dent in finishing my master’s project.

So here’s to 29.  May you blow my expectations out of the water.

Have you ever…?

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 …just packed up and left? Realized where you are at this moment is maybe not where you’re supposed to be.  

Have you ever…
Had the feeling that “this can’t be it”.  This can’t be my life for the next 40 years…

Have you ever…
Taken a risk, left it all and hoped for the best?  Knowing it may be a challenge, a struggle, but oh so worth it?

If so, I’d love to hear about it. I’d love to hear how you got the courage, the strength, and just left.  
Lately I’ve been day dreaming of moving to another country, starting life over, simplifying everything… It sounds like a dream. Perhaps temporary until the real world sucks me back and forces me into a career …  But I feel like it’s an adventure I need to indulge in before real life happens.

God is good friends. God is good.