I used to be fearless

I used to be fearless.

I used to run up to the edge of the cliff, then take one step further.  Just to feel the rush.
I used to walk into a crowded room and make friends with anyone and everyone.
I used to take risks, knowing I could handle whatever the outcome.

I used to.

This is me at the Cliffs of Moher in Ireland.  It looks like  I am close to the edge here – but I’m not.  The angst I felt really hindered this experience for me and I am truly bummed I let my fear take control.

What changed?  At what point did I stop running up to the edge?  What happened that I no longer seek a crowd, but seek solitude instead? At what point did I let the fear sink in?

I’ve always heard people say “I slowed down a lot when I got older.  I realized how fragile life was.” I get that– but here’s the beautiful thing… you’re here aren’t you?  You made it this far?  I get having “near death” experiences that introduce this fear and reevaluation of life choices – but I haven’t had that.  There was no flip of switch moment for me.  So where did my fear come from?

I’m not ashamed to admit I have anxiety.  I’ve had it for years, and no doubt some younger life experiences aided in this nuisance I deal with daily.  I’ve tolerated and controlled it well enough, and have gotten by just fine.  What I don’t get is – my life has calmed down drastically in the last year.  I’m in a rhythm, I’m secure and I’m happy. But this fear…this anxiety…it’s growing.  And I need it to stop.

As I type this, I feel my sweet sweet savior telling me “I bring you peace”.  This my friends – is what I call divine intervention.  This isn’t the direction I had this post going in…  Funny how God works.

I was going to propose a challenge… a physical, “face my fear” kind of challenge.  But that’s not what I feel God speaking to me.  This is:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, WHICH TRANSCENDS ALL UNDERSTANDING, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

So today, I face my fear by choosing to not acknowledge it.  To not give it control, or not let it sway me.  I choose to immerse in God’s peace.  A peace than transcends understanding.  A joyful, beautiful, honest peace.  Hallelujah!

God is good friends.  God is good.

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2 thoughts on “I used to be fearless

  1. Sterling says:

    They had a story on NPR about late bloomers and how some people are actually more willing to take certain types of risks as they get older. For instance, there was a guy on the show who is around 75 and has been working on the same research topics for 10 years, and he said he would have been afraid to stay with it for so long when he was younger because he was more worried about validation from other people and how it would affect his career. So you can get better at taking risks at you get older, too!

    http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=5310107

    Like

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